Today’s piffle nominates young Werther here

The perennial sight of the Mill, head tilted backwards and freshly tweezered snout cocked at the jauntiest of angles in pursuit of the newest gossip – to the exclusion of everything else, be it a death in the family, a new series of Eldorado or a two-for-one offer on 44% ABV Liquid Happiness in Morrisons – might suggest a cold, emotionless entity; a punter-gatherer devoid of flesh, blood and a subscription to Time Out. But the humble, oh-so-human Mill has simple dreams, fantasies, desires. To feel the soft, tender kiss of a silky thong 24 hours a day; for society to soften its stance towards Vicks Inhaler addicts so that we no longer have to skulk around inhaling guiltily the moment every back is turned; to hear the internal monologue of Dean Windass, particularly when he is on Sky’s Soccer Saturday and struggling with such polysyllables as ‘Jeff’; and to see Andrés Iniesta, Xavi and Cesc Fábregas redefine football by playing together in the same club side.

One of those dreams moved closer when Cadena SER radio reported that Fábregas has reached a verbal agreement to rejoin Barcelona in the summer. “Several meetings have taken place and, following those meetings, Cesc told Barça that he wanted to rejoin them from next season,” sniffed the Mill’s Spanish source, Señor Scandalmonger. Obviously there is still the small matter of Arsenal agreeing a fee, not to mention Pep Guardiola accommodating all three into a workable system, but the Mill is pretty excited nonetheless.

So, it would seem, is Bordeaux’s Moroccan centre-forward Marouane Chamakh, who has apparently agreed a pre-contract with Arsenal worth £50,000 a week over five years. Chamakh will join Arsenal at precisely the moment William Gallas leaves. Gallas, aged 457,195,525,569,123,564, is emitting warm vapour from most orifices because Arsène Wenger will only offer him a new one-year contract. Gallas wants two.

Now, we’re sure the Daily Star’s Danny Fullbrook is a good bloke. Salt of the earth is Dan. An ordinary Joe. A man you can trust. A diamond. But if Dan’s exclusive today, that Dani Alves will leave Barcelona to join either Chelsea or Manchester City for £30m in the summer, comes true, we’ll happily – nay, lovingly – hang a pair of Dan’s used ones on our wall for a whole year.

In an unrelated development for which we can’t manufacture even a contrived segue, never mind a relatively smooth one, Lord Ferg’s policy of buying foetuses and geriatricos will continue when he pilfers two 15-year-olds, Valerio Verre and Filippo Cipriani, from under Roma’s nose.

The ceaselessly warm relationship between Roberto Martínez and Steve Bruce will again be in evidence in the summer when the two adorn blood-flow-restricting lycra and wrestle – three falls and a submission – on a pleasantly scented blue mat. To the victor, Cruz Azul’s Paraguayan midfielder Cristian Riveros; to the loser, an erotic frisson that dare not speak its name.

And, finally, when the Mill asked 100 punters to name a Bolton-born brainbox who is currently in the doghouse after failing to keep it in his trouser pocket, they all named Vernon Kay. Our survey says: you numpty.

Cesc FábregasArsenalBarcelonaChelseaManchester CityRob Smythguardian.co.uk