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HERE WE GO AGAIN …
A penalty shoot-out please. That’s what every right-thinking football fan (if that’s not oxymoron) wants to see at Old Trafford on Wednesday 13 April. Of course there will be hype – cloying, sickening, ignoble hype – ahead of Big Cup quarter-final between Chelsea and Manchester United, which was picked out during today’s draw between brunch and elevenses at Uefa HQ, but it could all be worth it if the outcome of the gruelling duel comes down to spot-kicks.
Because then we could marvel yet again at Nicolas Anelka’s nonchalance as he eschews any run-up, taps the ball at the goalkeeper, shrugs his shoulders and casually explains that it would have been entirely unreasonable to expect anything else from a supposedly world-class striker …. and thrill as Tabloid Wayne waddles up and, outdoing his recent effort against Arsenal, sends the ball so high into the sky that production immediately begins on a six-part documentary series about it presented by Professor Brian Cox …. [pause for breath]
[and relax] … and gasp as Fernando Torres survives Nemanja Vidic’s repeated attempt to block off his run-up but then wastes his chance to finally get off the mark for his new club by tripping over the ball before blaming his own basic malfunction on the on-going effects of past injuries, the inadequacy of his team-mates, the chaos at his club and malevolent lawnmowers … and wonder how Paul Scholes is still on the pitch to take the next penalty …
[breathe, man, breathe] .. and, most of all, delight as England’s Loyal John Terry mans up to take the decisive kick, undeterred by the tears cascading like naff mascara from his mighty heroic eyes, focused solely on Stuart Pearce-style redemption for his inability to keep neither his head, feet nor dignity at a similar moment in Moscow 2008, and … and … and … and then we get either Terry triumphalism and Lord Ferg whinging about the referee, or Lord Ferg triumphalism and Terry whinging about the referee.
So perhaps, after all, nothing good can come of this tie. Unless, of course, you’re Arsene Wenger and the extra stress that this clash, along with the FA Cup semi-final, puts on United’s creaking squad hands Arsenal the title that they have been pitifully incapable of grabbing themselves.
Meanwhile, the Big Cup draw also served up a tie that actually promises attacking football as well as offensive posturing. Having watched the Special One guide Inter to Big Cup glory last year with a player picked up for a pittance from Real, Real will be hoping that the Special One can ensure that Spurs don’t pull off a similar achievement this year. Rafael Van der Vaart will be hoping he can’t. “We don’t have pressure, we can play our game and we have a chance,” spouted Van der Vaart in response to a question nodded down to him by Peter Crouch.
Quarter-final draw: Real Madrid v Spurs, Chelsea v Manchester United, Barcelona v Shakhtar Donetsk, Internazionale v Schalke.
Semi-final draw: Real Madrid or Spurs v Barcelona or Shakhtar Donetsk; Inter v Schalke or Chelsea v Man Utd.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When I was there it was not too bad. There was no instability [at Liverpool]. I played in [Big Cup] final and because I left, everything collapsed after that” – When he’s not dancing like your Granddad at a Hawaii Five-0-themed knees-up, Bolo Zenden has other ways of being entertaining.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Can I just suggest to Roberto Mancini that he asks his players to face the opposing half and knock it goalwards? I’m no expert, but I believe this is how to win games” – Thom Ayre.
“Just think: what if Liverpool had appointed Kenny Dalglish back in 2000 – how many European trophies would they now be on? Six? Serven? Certainly fewer than they are now. Maybe George Smith (Fiver letters passim) can give us his thoughts?” – Aidan Grant.
“Re: John Tellefson questioning whether ‘57′ is the Fiver Number (yesterday’s Fiver letters) – it never ceases to amaze me that Fiver readers, like Heinz beans, come in so many varieties” – Annie Massey (and 56 others).
“If Lenny Kravitz was responsible for Vanessa Paradis’s best output (Fiver letters passim), who was responsible for the Fiver’s? (2005-06 if you were wondering)” – Andy Powell.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
BITS AND BOBS
Mohammed bin Hammam is confident he can lever Sepp Blatter out of the Fifa big chair he’s been sat in since 1784 after drumming up support for his presidency bid, which he officially announced today.
If Liverpool and Man City weren’t so rubbish in Euro Vase, Channel Five might have been able to show a decent game of football for once. As it is their conquerors, Braga and Dynamo Kyiv, will ESPN-it-out in the pick of the quarter-finals.
And Arsene Wenger reckons Manuel Almunia will be motivated by the presence of Jens Lehmann, 82, on the bench for Arsenal’s match at West Brom tomorrow. “[Jens Lehamnn] will show him every day he is ready to fight for his place,” droned Wenger.
STILL WANT MORE?
England’s Loyal John Terry isn’t the only player who will want to make amends for taking a shoddy penalty in the 2008 Big Cup final when Chelsea play Manchester United in Big Cup, reckons Kevin McCarra.
Feel weighed down by your Cheltenham winnings? Well, lighten your pockets by following James Dart’s best bets in the Football League this weekend.
Rio Ferdinand tweets more than he touches a football these days … and that’s bad news for Manchester United (and the general public, surely? – Fiver ed), writes Paul Hayward.
Rangers and Celtic’s tussle in the final will bring a bit of raciness to the soon-to-be-sponsorless and very much unloved Scottish League Cup, och-ayes Ewan Murray.
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IF ONLY EVERY CHELTENHAM WAS THIS PROFITABLEManchester UnitedChelseaPaul Doyleguardian.co.uk
