Today’s tittle-tattle is cruising for a bruising

The Mill was kept up all night by sirens. Not the mythological seductive scantily clad kind who try to tempt you into the nearest river for a bit of how’s-your-father, mind (The Mill’s not been that lucky since it tripped over a rabbit’s foot sticking out of a cracked paving stone and landed a £4,000 insurance claim). Nah, these were the very real, ear-splitting, somebody’s-in-trouble-Guv type that blare out at 3am WHEN THERE IS NO TRAFFIC ON THE ROAD SO WHY BOTHER? variety. But hey, you’re a Mill who came up in the wrong end of town, whaddya gonna’ do?

On the subject of sirens, Manchester City’s Italian beauty Roberto Mancini is doing a pretty good impression of one right now. The long-haired temptress is keeping cool in the heat by fanning himself with £20m outside Stamford Bridge and refusing to leave until Didier Drogba accompanies him on the Virgin Pendolino back home to Manchester.

If Drogba’s passion is stirred then expect Carlo Ancelotti to turn up at Anfield with a wheelbarrow (a very, very big one at that) of cash and start throwing it over the Shankly Gates until enough of it lands to secure the services of Liverpool’s beautiful-but-knacked Spain striker Fernando Torres. And if Drogba isn’t turned on, Mancini will increase the size of his cash fan to £35m and direct his attention towards Internazionale’s brooding striker Mario Balotelli.

And now he’s happily married, the free-agent Sol Campbell has just about plucked up the courage to tell the new Mrs Campbell that they’re going to be setting up home in Sunderland. The Mill doesn’t know how long you have to be wed before you can avoid an annulment, but expects the happy couple haven’t yet reached that mark.

Over at Old Trafford, Sir Alex Ferguson has been busy mixing messages in a huge bowl and sending them out to assorted confused tabloid hacks. The Sun simultaneously has him pushing “hard to get the cash” for the fleet-footed Werder Bremen and Germany midfielder Mezut Ozil as well as admitting that Manchester United are “comfortable with the squad we’ve got.”

West Ham are hoping to scupper Liverpool’s attempts to sign the Nice and France striker Loic Remy by upping their offer for the player from the club’s asking price of £12m to £15m. With the Merseyside club about as indebted as a randy stag would be to his best mate after finding out that he’s switched their weekend away from Amsterdam to Eastbourne, last year’s relegation-battlers could successfully gazump Liverpool and prove that football is, well, just silly these days, isn’t it?

If he finds enough grease to squeeze his avuncular frame through the Craven Cottage entrance, big Martin Jol will write David James, Robbie Keane and Stephen Ireland’s names on a piece of paper, neatly fold it and insert it into the top pocket of Mohamed Al-Fayed’s suit jacket, before patting the 77-year-old Fulham owner on the cheek passive-aggressively.

North of the border, financially-challenged Rangers want goal-shy free-agent Marlon Harewood to prove just how bad the SPL is by actually scoring real goals in the league so they can make a good case for the Old Firm joining the Premier League. While Celtic will let Aiden McGeady run all the way down the hard-shoulder of the M74 and M6 until he ends up in the arms of his former manager Martin O’Neill at Aston Villa. That is, of course, after he’s sent £10m worth of beans to Parkhead.

And finally, Joey Barton (now there’s a man who knows his sirens) reckons England is the team for him. After watching Fabio Capello’s crack selection make the Jabulani ball look like it was triangular in South Africa, the fast-food-shop bothering Newcastle United player reckons every midfielder in the country must fancy their chances of playing for England (yes, even that fat lad called Macca who plays in the Liverpool Zingari League). “Watching some of the performances at the World Cup over the summer I think that, on form, I’m as good as anybody in the country.” After looking as rusty as an oil-starved garden gate in his 15 Championship appearances last season and regularly wasting possession, the Mill would have to agree.

Transfer windowManchester CityChelseaGregg Roughleyguardian.co.uk

• England international moves to Anfield on a free transfer
• Cole becomes Liverpool’s second signing of the summer

Liverpool today signed Joe Cole on a four-year contract, subject to a medical due to take place “in the next 48 hours”.

The 28-year-old England international has moved on a free transfer after his contract with Chelsea expired at the end of June. He had also been linked with Tottenham Hotspur and Arsenal, who will both compete in the Champions League next season, but has chosen instead to move to Anfield where he becomes the second signing of the summer after Milan Jovanovic, the Serbian winger who joined from Standard Liège earlier this month, also on a free transfer.

The capture of Cole was seen as a key factor in proving to the likes of Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres, who have both been linked with departures after a disappointing seventh-placed finish in Rafael Benítez’s final season in charge, that Liverpool can still compete for quality signings. He will be seen as a replacement for Yossi Benayoun, the 30-year-old Israeli creative midfielder who has joined Chelsea for £5m.

Hodgson is still on the look-out for a new left-back with Fabio Aurélio having left and Emiliano Insua on the verge of completing his move to Fiorentina. After that the Liverpool manager will hope to secure commitments from Gerrard and Torres about their futures.

The former Liverpool midfielder Jamie Redknapp, whose father Harry was keen on signing Cole for Spurs, said reports the player was holding out for the most lucrative contract were unfair.

“From what I know, compared to other players in the Premier League now, he’s not being greedy at all,” Redknapp told Sky Sports News. “He just wants a good deal and rightfully so – he’s a free agent and he’s worked that situation nicely – but I know he’s not asking for anything astronomical, like what is being portrayed in the press.

“He’s just looking for the right club and he needs to play football now. He missed a lot of time at Chelsea last season with his knee injury and didn’t quite get back to the level he showed previously. He needs to go somewhere, be loved, and play football and get back to being the Joe Cole we all know.”

LiverpoolChelseaTransfer windowSimon Burntonguardian.co.uk

• Israeli joins Premier League champions on three-year contract
• Made 172 appearances during three-year spell at Anfield

Yossi Benayoun has completed his move from Liverpool to Chelsea. The two clubs agreed a fee for the player last month, believed to be in the region of £5m, and the deal has been confirmed this afternoon.

The 30-year-old Israeli international made 172 appearances and scored 37 goals during his three seasons with Liverpool but fell out of favour with former manager Rafael Benítez during the last campaign and had agreed personal terms on a three-year contract with the Premier League champions, also last month.

“Yossi’s departure was agreed between the player and Rafael Benítez a number of weeks ago,” a Liverpool spokesman said. “Everybody at Liverpool FC wishes him well for the future.”

Benayoun joined Liverpool from West Ham for £5m in the summer of 2007. “I am very excited to come to a club like Chelsea,” said the player. “It is a big club and I think it is a dream for every player. Hopefully we will be successful.”

LiverpoolChelseaSachin Nakraniguardian.co.uk