Today’s fluff is as soft as chalk
The tabs are up in arms* today after Pep Guardiola mocked the nation’s youth by suggesting that although Jack Wilshere is good enough to play for Arsenal he’d probably be on the bench for Barcelona. Which is true because Barcelona have better players than Arsenal. Anyway, let’s see what outrage Pep has vomited over young Jack: “We have many types of player like him in our second team.” Disgrace!
“Wilshere is a top player, and has been a big surprise.”
Infamy!
“In the first game he had a really good performance.”
Slander!
“I hear about the fragility of the mind of the Arsenal players, but I don’t agree.”
Hang on …
“He can be a great player for Arsenal and England.”
Oh.
In response David Cameron rushed out this statement:
“And tell the pleasant Pep this mock of his
Hath turned his balls to gunstones, and his soul
Shall stand sore chargèd for the wasteful vengeance
That shall fly from them — for many a thousand widows
Shall this his mock mock out of their dear husbands
Mock mothers from their sons, mock castles down;
And some are yet ungotten and unborn
That shall have cause to curse Pep’s scorn.”
Go Dave! He’s more eloquent than the Mill thought.
Anyway, enough of that. You’ll be wanting to know what Newcastle and Sunderland are going to spend their Carroll-Bent cash on. How about Ligue 1’s puntastic top-scorer Moussa Sow. Both sides reckon he’s a swill player and are willing to go the whole hog and pig out with a £17m bid and in a shoat time he’ll be signing for them.
Puns are the lowest form of wit.
Despite the fact that Andy Carroll won a really good header with his first touch on Sunday and Dirk Kuyt is currently deadlier from 20cm than a black widow with the Ebola virus (we’re not sure that is deadly, it may just be ill) Liverpool are on the hunt for another striker. They’re willing to stump up for Roma striker Mirko Vucinic. Spurs are also interested as they’re down to their last 383 fit strikers too.
Arsenal, Chelsea and, why not, Manchester City have also got the transfer -ic. They have asked their mums and dads for a Neven Subotic as well as their pocket money this weekend. The thing is Borussia Dortmund have only got one left and they want £20m for the defender.
In fact, despite the fact that the German economy is doing a little dance around the rest of Europe at the moment, they keep asking us to stump up. Now Borussia Mönchengladbach have got in on the act and are asking Aston Villa to pay £4.8m for USA midfielder Michael Bradley, who’s currently on loan at the club anyway.
Last week, Birmingham City were dancing a collective jig of joy after winning the Rumbelows Cup. Now they may be kicked out of Europe and half of their players are off. Middlesbrough want to take reserve keeper Maik Taylor on loan and Stoke City are in the market for a starey-eyed full back and are plotting a bid for Stephen Carr. “Stephen Ireland said Birmingham doesn’t have nice shops and that so I’m off to a nice place, like Stoke,” Carr didn’t say of the move.
David Moyes doesn’t stand for any of this transfer nonsense. He just signs players he already owns and for that reason will offer Sylvain Distin a new contract at Everton. “He’s played all the games, trains all the time and that is a big thing,” gasped Moyes. “He takes a lot of pride in that and rightly so.”
Yesterday, Steve Kean had a few games to save his job. Today’s he’s safe. “We have a contract with Steve Kean and he will continue in his present position” said the Blackburn chairwoman, Anuradha Desai. “There is no question of the manager being changed.”
And finally, Mark Clattenburg may take a month off from refereeing after criticism of his recent performances. Clattenburg is expected to fly to Thailand next week where he’ll act superior to people who paid 10 baht more than him for a taxi from the airport and complain how Asia is “so much more commercialised” these days while stuffing his face with a cheeseburger and slurping a big glass of Pepsi.
* Admittedly the Guardian has run exactly the same story today but we’ve done it in a nice sensitive way, using long words and no doubt referencing the plight of coffee farmers in the developing world.
LiverpoolRomaArsenalChelseaManchester CityBorussia MoenchengladbachBorussia DortmundAston VillaTottenham HotspurBirmingham CityStoke CityEvertonMiddlesbroughTom Lutzguardian.co.uk
