Today’s steam is gas

So, well, it happened like this, your honour. Having swanked it up for years on the gains of easy hearsay, the Mill was on the prowl for a new opportunity. We’re reaching peak gossip, see, and there’s no time like the last minute to start thinking about diversification. Medicine seemed a good bet. Folks are always hurting themselves. Or someone else. And, well, we heard about that woman that Robin van Persie went to see in Serbia, you know, the one who massages placenta fluid into injured limbs. And the Mill thought that would be a cracking service to offer right here in Blighty, saving poorer people from having to find funds for a trip to Belgrade. And, well, we just sort of figured that placenta in this case was pretty much the same as placebo so, you know, any body fluid would do. And one thing led to another and, as you say, we ended up charging over £2000 to spray a quantity of Exhibit A into the plaintiff’s face. The outcome may have appeared somewhat grubby but, sincerely your honour, the motivation was really quite salubrious.

There you go, readers. There’s nothing like being prepared and the Mill, as you can see, already has its defence sorted. The same can’t be said for Tottenham Hotspur, of course. Harry Redknapp’s attempt to put Spurs on a par with Αnorthosis Famagusta in terms of Champions League appearances is being hampered not just by regular injuries to Jonathan Woodgate and Ledley King but now also by Carlo Cudicini’s woes. Happily, Harry has a cunning two-part solution. Step 1: Nip back to Upton Park and get him in his old club’s bad books by making off with Matthew Upson. Step 2: Get himself in Sir Alex Ferguson’s good books by paying £7m for Ben Foster.

January is set to be a good month for Ferguson, off the pitch at least, because Fiorentina are on their way to Manchester with an offer to take Nani off to Italy, first on a loan deal and then permanently. The lolly United receive from those two deals will be re-invested in spanking new cars for each of the Glaze Danish centreback Simon Kjaer, currently earning a living at Palermo.

Liverpool will have money to spend too, provided that between now and January some wise person does accede to the board of Barcelona and torpedo plans to give Rafa Benítez £20m plus Yaya Touré in return for Javier Mascherano. If that insane deal is done, Benítez will celebrate by splurging on either Carlton Cole or – you’ll like this – Bobby Zamora. As Fernando Torres tires to put a brave face on that set-back, he might not be able to stop himself from casting envious looks over at Chelsea, who will be laying out the welcome matt for David Villa.

Want to have your say on today’s piffle? You know the drill …

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