Today’s guff is kicking back

The Sun reports the surprising news that reliable waddling packhorse Dirk Kuyt doesn’t really want to play for Liverpool any more and would like to be reunited with his goateed personal organ grinder Rafa Benítez at Internazionale. Kuyt’s agent Rob Jansen said: “The clubs continue to talk but Dirk has told Liverpool he no longer wants to be involved as this is something that he regards his career and life.” Which became much more interesting when The Mill imagined it being said by a moustachioed man in a belted trenchcoat with a really strong Dutch accent.

Birmingham have made a £9m bid for Wigan wing sulk Charles N’Zogbia, despite the fact the club’s parent company Birmingham International Holdings Ltd is about to collapse under the weight of its debts, which is all probably just a small misunderstanding and something to do with that nice Mr Yeung having not transferred some funds between his accounts when he meant to, or his car insurance coming up at the same time as someone’s stag weekend, and no indication whatsoever of impending Portsmouth-style financial meltdown.

West Ham will sign the Inter winger Victor Obinna today. “Av bags a Bin man,” the Sun says. His name contains the word “bin”. And bin men use bags. Therefore he is “a Bin man”; but also capable of being “bagged”, despite the fact it is usually household rubbish which is bagged and bin men that dispose of it. Inter have finally made a proper offer for Javier Mascherano. “I sent an offer to Liverpool by fax on Tuesday and am waiting for a reply from them,” sporting director Marco Branca said last night, switching on his Betamax player, firing up the Calor Gas heater and wondering if he should pop outside now to crank start his 1920s T Model Ford.

Twig-like Brazilian whiz-kid waif Neymar “will become a Chelsea player eventually” according to Pini Zahavi, who is allowed to say things like that. Pele has been campaigning for Neymar to stay at Santos. Mark Hughes is about to sign Carlos Salcido of PSV Eindhoven for Fulham, who may in turn replace Paul Konchesky, who has been linked with the revolving disappointing-Liverpool-left-back slot. Sam Allardyce wants to sign non-playing goal ace Benjani on a short-term deal just in case it’s still 2007.

In the Mirror, West Ham are after David Trezeguet of Juventus. Liverpool, West Brom, Aston Villa, Real Zaragoza and sandal-wearing, fig leaf-clad club-wielding warriors Hercules are also in the hunt. Grant also wants Spurs right-back stripling Kyle Walker on loan. And Everton and Blackburn are both after the Newcastle defender Stephen Taylor, who has all sorts of agent-related, wage-parity, Fabricio Coloccini-on-£80,000-a-week-and-I’m-still-sailing-a-third-hand-yacht-type problems. Sam Allardyce is “chasing a Swedish goal machine”. In a tractor, across the cheese fields of the remote circumpolar region, waving his butterfly net. The £2m-rated Denni Avdic has scored 17 goals in 20 games for Elfsborg this season. Blackpool are still keen on Sheffield Wednesday striker Marcus Tudgay.

In the Daily Mail Chelsea have made a £10m offer for cartwheeling, high-stepping, forward-capering Bayern Munich defensive heebie-jeebie-giver Martín Demichelis. He wants to go to Sevilla instead. Sven-Goran Eriksson is “interested” in becoming the manager of Ukraine, a nation he always supported as a boy and no let’s not talk about money just yet shall we actually let’s talk about money shall we and oh sorry look at that my hand is on your ha ha you have very beautiful nostrils. Juventus want to eventually pay £13m for on-loan midfield bystander Alberto Aquilani. Robinho and Roque Santa Cruz, neither of whom play for Manchester City any more, are both set to leave Manchester City.

And according to Goal.com Ronaldinho thinks Zlatan Ibrahimovic should join Milan. But then again Ronaldinho thought the UK should enter the ERM, Neville Chamberlain should cut a deal with that nice Führer chap, JFK should go for a nice quiet drive in Dallas with the roof down, Rodney Marsh should join Manchester City, Des Lynam would reignite his career by joining ITV and that he, Ronaldinho, would be a much better player if about three years ago he decided to eat lots of hot dogs, wear a headband, and simply caper about grinning and occasionally taking free kicks.

LiverpoolInternazionaleWigan AthleticBirmingham CityWest Ham UnitedChelseaFulhamBlackburn RoversBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

• England midfielder resigned to leaving Stamford Bridge
• Harry Redknapp among front-runners for his signature

Joe Cole’s contract talks with Chelsea are believed have broken down and the midfielder is resigned to leaving Stamford Bridge, placing a host of rival clubs on alert for one of the most attractive Bosman free transfers of the summer. The 28-year-old, whose deal is set to expire next month, had been hopeful of the offer of fresh terms and an increase in his weekly wage to £100,000. But the Chelsea hierarchy is determined to restructure financially and resolved not even to offer him a rise on his current £80,000-a-week earnings.

Just as significantly, Cole has received no assurances from Carlo Ancelotti over his chances of becoming a regular in the manager’s starting XI. Cole has endured a stop-start season, in which he has been supplanted in the team by Florent Malouda and has struggled to regain his best form after a serious knee injury.

He spoke before the FA Cup final victory over Portsmouth, in which he appeared as a 71st-minute substitute, of it being “difficult playing 20 or 30 minutes here and there and, when you are starting, you are looking over your shoulder”.

Cole signed from West Ham for £6.6m in July 2003 and the manager at his first club, Harry Redknapp, now in charge at Tottenham, will be among the front-runners for his signature on a free transfer.

Cole is expected to feature in England’s last warm-up match against Japan in Graz on Sunday, when he will hope to show Fabio Capello he is worth a place in the final 23-man World Cup squad. But his club situation rumbles on with John Terry, Chelsea’s captain, on record stating the importance of keeping Cole at Stamford Bridge.

Redknapp, meanwhile, has added Micah Richards to his list of transfer targets, as he seeks to bolster his defensive options before Tottenham’s entry into the Champions League qualifiers.

The manager has long-term injury concerns over the centre-halves Jonathan Woodgate and Ledley King, although the latter did finish the domestic season strongly, and Redknapp considers Richards, the Manchester City defender, as potentially able to give him greater strength, particularly as he can play at right-back as well.

Redknapp also has Michael Dawson, Sébastien Bassong and Younes Kaboul in central defence – Kaboul finished the season at right-back, in the absence of the injured Vedran Corluka – but, with the full-back Alan Hutton up for sale, there is room for another recruit. Richards, who has suffered from niggling injuries, has been in and out of the City team.

ChelseaTransfer windowTottenham HotspurDavid Hytnerguardian.co.uk