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THE ANDREX PUPPY v THE GIANT HALF-MAD ROTTWEILER
If you needed further evidence of how holding the FA Cup semi-finals at the national stadium is just plain wrong, it came as the seconds ticked down yesterday. “Que sera, sera!” sang the Portsmouth fans. “Whatever will be, will be. We’re going to Wem-ber-lee, que sera, sera.” Fans singing about going to Wembley when they’re actually at Wembley? That’s like Tony Christie asking the way to Amarillo when he and sweet Marie are already snuggled by the fire with a bottle of bourbon. It’s nuts, it’s ridiculous, it’s ludicrous, in a right-thinking world it just wouldn’t happen. But then, neither would Pompey be in the final and that, like the semis being at Wembley, makes a few people very happy indeed.
Not least the rather overexcited Kevin-Prince Boateng. “It was the most important goal of my career,” the midfielder said of the extra-time penalty that made absolutely no difference to the outcome of the match. “I have a lot of friends who will have recorded the match so I will watch it tonight and then again tomorrow, I’ll never get bored of watching it go in. It was the second best feeling of my life [Stop sniggering you filthy lot - Fiver Ed] … after my son being born.”
Cynics might suggest that Portsmouth’s victory over Spurs sets up a final about as appetising as an alfalfa and dandelion salad, with the tiny furry Andrex puppy of Pompey taking on the giant half-mad Rottweiler that is Chelsea. Boateng, though, has other ideas: “I can promise you that we won’t be beaten 5-0 again,” he said, placing his swingers in the slavering jaws of Fate. “We won’t be the same team when we go out there. It’s a big game, we’ll stick together and focus, and they won’t beat us 5-0.”
Portsmouth’s fear is that they literally “won’t be the same team” due to the contractual issues that could see a number of players miss the final. Aruna Dindane, for example, would trigger a £4m payment to Lens if he plays another game for the club. And their failure to apply for a Uefa club licence means that, though Pompey say they will appeal, they will not be granted a place in next season’s Europa League. For Portsmouth it seems every silver lining has a cloud.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Major surgery is needed at [the Queen's] Celtic. You can’t pull the wool over people’s eyes, especially not the fans. We will have to sell a few players. Saturday was humiliating, but I still want the job. I want it more than ever, actually” – Neil Lennon proves he’s a glutton for punishment following his side’s 2-0 humiliation at the hands of Ross County.
JOHN TERRY, STAND UP GUY
After their heroic attempts to prove what a stand-up guy John Terry is in the wake of those [alleged – Fiver Lawyers] extra-marital affairs, it seems the former England captain’s “people” are now resting on their laurels. Having winced at Terry’s brutal, studs-up challenge on James Milner’s knee in Saturday’s FA Cup semi-final, the Fiver fully expected the player’s overworked PR flaks to get busy ensuring today’s tabloids featured carefully staged “paparazzi” snaps of him frolicking hand-in-hand with the Aston Villa midfielder on a sun-drenched beach in Dubai. Instead, we had to make do with a portly Italian telling us the potential leg-breaker was no big deal.
“I know that Terry called Milner, and for him [Milner] it was OK,” said Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti. “I think the decision of the referee was right. It was just a yellow card, the rules say it should have been a yellow card.” While the Fiver can only assume that Ancelotti had consulted The Big Book Of Rules For Chelsea Football Club, as opposed to the ones everyone else has to play by, there’s no point getting hysterical over an ill-judged lunge by a lumbering centre-half when the man on the receiving end is OK, quite tough and doesn’t even play for Arsenal.
The important thing is that Terry accepted his booking with good grace and didn’t complain about it, eh? Oh. Well, at least he made a point of apologising to Milner as the pair exchanged text messages on Saturday night, as inquiring after his England team-mate’s welfare without accepting culpability for any knack caused would be downright churlish, eh? Oh.
Elsewhere at Chelsea’s training ground, Ancelotti has been gleefully telling anyone who’ll listen about club owner Roman Abramovich’s hands-on involvement in first-team affairs, declaring that the owner is an interfering busybody.
“We discuss everything,” hissed Ancelotti through gritted teeth. “He likes football, Chelsea, the players and he wants to know everything – about injuries, the balance of the team, tactics.” Ancelotti’s quotes appeared in the Chelsea club magazine, Pravda, the next issue of which is expected to feature “John and James” gazing adoringly into each other’s eyes as “re-united in mutual respect” they prepare for “a two-week summer getaway in South Africa”.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Long-time reader, sixth-time letter writer (though you never publish them). In Friday’s Fiver you claimed that advocating Bobby Zamora for a place in the England squad is ‘laughably ignorant’ and shows a ‘wilful’ lack of regard for Fabio Capello’s intractable tactics. Are you serious? He offers what Emile Heskey does, plus some goalscoring form. Can you see Mr Em pulling the same feint, turn and finish against Wolfsburg?” – Martin Kane.
“After a string of bad results during squeaky bum time, it looks like Lord Ferg’s season is pretty much over. Not to take Fiver Letters down a dark and dangerous road, but could we deduce from this that Lord Ferg’s bum is not as squeaky as it used to be?” – Adam in New York.
“Does it make me sound old and bitter to say it brings me joy imagining the massive Bruno-style hissy fits that probably occurred at Cristiano Ronaldo’s house on hearing commentators repeatedly proclaim Leo Messi as the best player in the world?” – Simon Dunsby.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver now.
BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool’s co-owners, Tom Hicks and George Gillett, have forgone sticking a ‘For Sale’ sign up outside Anfield and instead taken the complex step of hiring the mergers and acquisitions arm of Barclays Bank to help find a buyer for the club they loaded with debt.
Juliano Belletti seems certain to leave Chelsea this summer after admitting on Twitter that the FA Cup final could be his last game for the Blues. “My contract ends in June and I still have not decided where to go,” he tweeted. “Chelsea v Portsmouth, 15 May at Wembley. Maybe my last game for Chelsea.” Assuming he’s picked, that is.
Commentators United, featuring the combined vocal talents of Clive Tyldesley and Peter Drury among others, have released their World Cup single. Think very, very carefully before you press play.
And Joey Gudjonsson has been suspended by Burnley for suggesting that manager Brian Laws had “lost the dressing room”. The Clarets insist that Laws knew where it was all along. Ba-dum tish.
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s a long time since Inter weren’t top of Serie A, so it’s no wonder Paolo Bandini is all excited.
The Bayern players’ legs may be more shot than those of the nag you backed at the National, but they’ll still win the Bundesliga title, reckons Raphael Honigstein.
Sid Lowe took time out from scrawling SL 4 LM 4 EVA on his pencil case to pen this blog about the rather less-heralded power behind Messi’s throne at Barcelona.
And Barry Glendenning didn’t spend his weekend in his pants watching endless repeats of Top Gear on Dave. Oh no, he watched some football as well and even learned something. Five things, in fact.
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YOU’RE A DONCASTER TAXI FIRM, SO WHY DON’T YOU PICK UP FROM THE KEEPMOAT STADIUM, DIAL-A-CAB? WHY?PortsmouthChelseaJohn AshdownBarry Glendenningguardian.co.uk
