Chelsea lifted some of the pressure off their manager by winning a highly entertaining match, the scoreline not telling the whole story by a long chalk
It’s December, and kiddies all across the country have put up their advent calendars in anticipation of the big day. Look at them, their little fingers scrabbling excitedly at each day’s door, wondering what could be behind. A bauble? A picture of some holly? A piece of chocolate perhaps. A treat.
At Stamford Bridge, however, a different sort of Christmas countdown is underway. The next four dates are crucial for poor Andre Villas-Boas. This game at high-flying Newcastle; a can’t-lose Champions League match against Valencia; the visit of leaders Manchester City; a match at Wigan which clouds the point we’re making here; and a local stramash at in-form Tottenham. What lies in wait behind the Spurs door if they lose a couple of these matches, I ask you, thrashing a painful metaphor which doesn’t really work to within an inch of its life? A pre-xmas P45 for Po’ Andre, perhaps, that’s what. It would be almost Dickensian, were I any good at spinning a yarn.
Getting shot of AVB would be ridiculous, needless to say, the man already having a national championship and a European trophy under his belt at the age of 34. But long-term planning isn’t the in-thing round Chelsea way. What a business.
Perhaps it’s time for some of Chelsea’s senior players to step up to the plate and accept some responsibility. Arsène Wenger, observing from afar, thinks that’s crucial if new ideas are being thrown into the mix. “It is not easy, no. I was just convinced of what I wanted and I was fortunate to face intelligent players: I had Steve Bould, Tony Adams, Nigel Winterburn, Lee Dixon, Martin Keown – they are all intelligent people. And they thought: ‘Maybe this guy is completely mad but we will try and it can work – you never know.’” Easy for Wenger to say, of course; all he had to do was introduce his squad to his new inventions Broccoli™ and Water®. Villas-Boas, on the other hand, has to teach old dog John Terry some new tricks, like standing in a different place on the pitch. A test and a half.
Andre’s crucial month starts taking shape at: 12.45pm.
Newcastle United – who we’ve not mentioned yet, as for once they’re not the team in disarray – replace the suspended Jonas Gutierrez with Peter Lovenkrands: Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Lovenkrands, Guthrie, Cabaye, Obertan, Ben Arfa, Ba.
Subs: Harper, Santon, Perch, Gosling, Best, Shola Ameobi, Sammy Ameobi.
Chelsea, who have no place in the 18 for either Alex or Nicolas Anelka amid reports they are no longer part of AVB’s plans: Cech, Ivanovic, Luiz, Terry, Cole, Ramires, Romeu, Lampard, Sturridge, Drogba, Mata.
Subs: Turnbull, Torres, Malouda, Meireles, Bosingwa, Kalou, Bertrand.
Referee: Mike Dean (Wirral)
The teams are out! Newcastle in their trademark black-and-white stripes, Chelsea in their favoured blue. It’s a traditional look these guys are rocking today, conservative with a small ‘c’, which is just how football fans like it. We’ll be off in a minute. In the meantime, here’s some pre-match pessimism from a couple of Toon fans. “Very disappointed by our team today, Lovenkrands and Ryan Taylor is a capitulation in the making,” opines Oliver Lewis. “Raylor I could understand when he was in form earlier in season but he was playing with no confidence against Man U and City. That said can understand wanting a steady back line, but Lovenkrands on the wing is baffling, Sammy Ameobi may still be developing but he’s made good showings so far, and Lovenkrands has barely appeared…even when playing. Still Pardew has proved me wrong before.” And Matt Bridle adds: “Chelsea will expose Lovenkrands and Raylor on the left side today. Injuries/suspensions finally taking their toll. Hoping for an early goal to settle the nerves at SJP. HWTL.” And you thought it would only be Chelsea fans hitting the gin at this early hour.
“There’s only one Gary Speed.” Tears from some of the Newcastle staff on the touchline – especially from John Carver, who is sobbing bitterly – as former Toon star Speed is remembered with a rousing and warm minute’s applause. “Speedo! Speedo! Speedo!” A lovely moment, if obviously the saddest of sad ones.
And we’re off! Newcastle set the ball rolling. “Stand up for Gary Speed,” sing the crowd, who respond by getting to their feet and applauding once more. Speed will be remembered at the next home game, against Swansea City, a postponement made at the request of his widow.
2 min: But, to trot out the hoary old clichés, the show must go on. And to prove the point, Ashley Cole takes up possession, and is given pelters, just because.
4 min: The game’s not quite got going yet. Ramires makes a determined run towards the Newcastle box, zipping past Guthrie but being stopped on the edge of the area by Coloccini. “I wish to protest in the strongest terms possible to Clarkso… sorry wrong email,” begins Ian Copestake. “Arsene Wenger’s comment about the need for intelligent senior players buying in to a manager’s philosophy could be taken as an implicit criticism of the lack of intelligence among Chelsea’s senior players. Surely we can’t blame everything on John Terry.”
5 min: DAVID LUIZ SHOULD BE SENT OFF… BUT ISN’T. Ba wheechs past the clumsy galoot, chasing after a pass rolled straight down the middle that splits Chelsea’s defence apart. Ba’s clear on goal, but is clattered on the edge of the D from behind by Luiz. It’s a free kick, but shockingly only a booking. The referee has done Chelsea a big favour there, if you consider the continued presence of Luiz, clumping around and getting in the way, to be any sort of plus point.
6 min: The free kick, from Taylor, is slammed straight into the wall. On the touchline, Alan Pardew has the full rage on. He’s set the controls of the funk mothership into the heart of the sun. No wonder, Luiz was last man, Ba in a scoring position. A more ridiculous player decision you’ll do well to see.
8 min: The hapless Luiz is barged off the ball by Ba, who sets Newcastle on the attack again. The move peters out. Soon enough there’s a free kick to the home side, but Taylor’s effort goes straight down Cech’s throat. “The Arsenal back four were a real Dads Army when Wenger took over,” writes Ian Burch. “Chelsea though are more of an Are You Being Served outfit as they’re about as there about as lively and intimidating as Mr Humphries and Young Mr Grace, and they also have their very own Captain Peacock.”
11 min: Speed – Newcastle’s former No11 – is remembered again with a round of applause. I wonder if this could become a tradition, like Real Madrid’s regular seventh-minute tribute to Juanito: “Illa, illa, illa, Juanito maravilla!”
14 min: PENALTY TO CHELSEA! Sturridge bombs down the inside-right channel and into the area. He’s David Luiz’d by Cabaye from behind, and that’s a no-brainer for the referee.
15 min: AND IT’S MISSED! Lampard steps up to take, and hits a decent-enough effort low towards the right-hand corner. But the in-form Krul palms it onto the post and out! What a save! I guess that wasn’t Lampard’s greatest penalty kick – looking again, it wasn’t tight in the corner – but worse penalties have gone in, and nothing should be taken away from the save.
16 min: What a start to this game! Sturridge drops a shoulder to pass Ryan Taylor on the right, and crashes a confident rising shot onto the right-hand post. The woodwork had hardly stopped shaking from the Lampard penalty! What an escape for Newcastle. And just like our pessimistic pre-match Toon fans pointed out, Newcastle have a problem down their left, where Chelsea are making hay.
20 min: Sturridge is a class apart so far. Yet again he drifts in from the right, and unleashes a shot that’s only just wide right of goal. He really is an excellent striker. “Second only to Steve Kean, David Luiz is the gift that keeps on giving,” notes Robert McEvoy. “Is he trying to get a PlayStation endorsement?” He’ll owe Gary Neville a few quid if that comes to pass. Mind you, is his movement at the back as good as a well-rendered modern sprite? He’s got more of the pixellated clumpishness of the players in Commodore 64’s International Soccer.
22 min: This is real cut-and-paste reporting, but here’s Sturridge down the right again, set free by Mata. He hits a low shot goalwards from a tight-ish angle, only to be denied by Krul, who snaffles. This is all Chelsea now, and very impressive they’re beginning to look.
23 min: [CTRL+C, CTRL+V] Sturridge, right wing, Ryan Taylor nowhere, shot. This time he finds the side netting. This is getting ridiculous, and only a matter of time to boot.
25 min: What an effort by Ba, who with his back to goal 12 yards out, meets a cross from the left with the heel of his right boot and sends the ball arrowing towards goal. Cech somehow responds, and tips the ball over the crossbar, an amazing reaction save. Simply wonderful football all round. For a game with no goals as of yet, this is a damn fine spectacle.
28 min: Here’s Toon fan Oliver Lewis, and he’s got the burners turned up to 11. “Ryan Taylor is having an absolute shocker and exposing basically how Jonas did his defensive duties for him all season,” he blasts. “Get Santon on ASAP, Pardew. Ridiculous.” Well, here’s a change for Newcastle, but it isn’t the one you want: injured captain Coloccini goes off, James Perch comes on.
29 min: “Without Coloccini we’re doomed,” responds Oliver Lewis. “Oh dear.”
30 min: What wonderful skill by Mata, who turns Simpson down the left with a majestic dummy, takes one step forward, and delivers a delicious cross into the centre for Drogba. The Ivorian cocks his leg back to sidefoot a strong volley into the net, but before he can meet this most inviting of balls, the much-maligned Ryan Taylor steps in to deflect the ball out of the road. The corner comes to naught.
32 min: A free kick for Chelsea down the right. Mata swings it in. Perch heads it out. Romeu has a dig from 35 yards; the effort flies 35 yards wide left. Oh me, oh my.
34 min: Lampard diddles down the inside-left channel and stands one up into the box for Drogba, but the man-of-the-moment Krul comes out to claim. Great anticipation from the keeper. “Tim Krul has been at Newcastle since 2005!” splutters Gary Naylor. “Don’t scouts bother watching reserve teams any more?”
35 min: It’s Red Nose Day involving the Keystone Kops in the Chelsea defence. Ba meets a right-wing cross with a header that crashes off the left-hand post. The ball bounces out to Terry, who hacks away – but only into the confused face of Luiz, the ball rebounding towards the top-left corner until Cech claws away. There’s a corner, but nothing comes of it. Luiz is a complete liability.
37 min: Mata attacks down the right. Steven Taylor does well to stay alert, and blocks the winger’s eventual shot.
38 min: THIS HAD BEEN COMING ALRIGHT! Newcastle United 0-1 Chelsea. A disputed throw-in down the left. It’s Chelsea’s, though Newcastle claim the ball hadn’t skimmed off Ryan Taylor’s head before going out. (It had.) Anyway, from the throw, Mata drops a shoulder and reaches the left-hand byline, clipping a cross into the centre, where Drogba powers a header into the top left. So simple, and on the balance of play, a deserved lead for Chelsea. Newcastle continue the argument about the throw, but not for long, as the heart’s clearly not in it.
40 min: Lampard rolls a ball down the middle of the pitch to set Sturridge free. He edges out a bit to the left, before hitting a low shot towards the bottom right. Krul gets down to palm away. Newcastle could probably do with getting in for half time, because Chelsea really have their tails up here.
43 min: “This level of haplessness defending so dazzlingly displayed by David Luiz – is it a Chelsea thing?” wonders Gary Naylor. “The last time such sustained Keystone Koppery was presented for public consumption was in that final days of Dave Beasant. Though Ryan Taylor is disputing this point, to be fair.” Let’s not riff on poor Ryan too much: a shot of him here pointing ruefully to his heed, admitting to his team-mates that he had conceded the throw-in that led to Chelsea’s goal.
HALF TIME: Newcastle United 0-1 Chelsea. A fine 45 minutes of entertainment. Newcastle will be rightfully annoyed that Luiz wasn’t sent packing for bringing down Ba; the teams walk off to a cacophany of boos. But Ba apart, the Toon have been quiet, and Chelsea deserve their lead. Some of their attacking has been sublime, Sturridge and Mata particularly in the mood, though mentions should also be made in dispatches of Lampard (despite his penalty miss) and the goalscorer Drogba.
HALF-TIME ENTERTAINMENT:
The money I’d pay to see Chelsea drive out for the second half in a van, Officer Luiz running along after it in a panic, his helmet blown from his head by the wind.
And we’re off again! Some analysis of the first half from Newcastle supporter Oliver Lewis: “We’ve looked poor, think we’ve had some good build up at times, and we’ve done well this season taking our chances even when we don’t have very many of them, so I can envisage a goal coming, but can’t really envisage us not conceding. Colo would not have let Drogba get to that ball for the goal (blinded by the hair) and Raylor is embarassing down the left. Lovenkrands has been alright but is not doing any kind of defensive cover on the left for Raylor. We miss Jonas, we miss Tiote a lot in the middle, he’d have done a better job than Cabaye holding and would have allowed Cabaye to be more involved further up. Ba is the only bright spark here really, though I do like Ben Arfa when he gets the ball.” Some bad news for you, then: Ben Arfa has been replaced at the interval by Ameobi. Chelsea get the ball rolling for the second period.
47 min: Newcastle spend a couple of minutes stroking it around the back, but get absolutely nowhere. A quiet start to the half.
48 min: A long ball forward by Cabaye. Ameobi wins a majestic header with a hell of a climb. Lovenkrands has the ball on the edge of the area, but can’t get a shot away. After a period of fannying around, the chance is gone. But that may be a harbinger of a more direct approach by Newcastle in this second half.
50 min: Guthrie quarterbacks a lovely crossfield pass out right to Simpson, but the right-back can’t quite get to the ball. That nearly set Chelsea on the front foot. They’ve certainly come out of the traps in the second half with some determination. “Just wondering if Sideshow Bob Luiz and Sideshow Bob Coloccini ever appeared together in the same frame before Coloccini was ’substituted’?” wonders conspiracy theorist Dominic Wright.
51 min: The ball’s at Ameobi’s feet, just to the right of goal, after some good work from Obertan down the right. His low shot is immediately blocked by Lampard. Newcastle are certainly looking to test Chelsea here; they’ll be happy with the way this half has started. “For the first 20 minutes I was convinced the Italian TV commentator was referring to Ryan Taylor as Liz,” reports Paul Carter, a gentleman of Verona. “Thought it was one of those endearing, random continental-style player nicknames. Some misguided observation on supposed play-acting skills. On closer aural inspection, I gleaned he’s been calling him Rhys Taylor. Which is just plain annoying. Especially since he’s being mentioned a lot.”
53 min: Ivanovic floats a cross into the Newcastle area from the right. It sails over Simpson’s head – the full back mistiming his leap – and is chested down at the far post by Drogba. The striker should score, or at least get a shot on target, but he shanks a dismal effort into the side netting. A warning sign for the home side, who will find it hellishly difficult to come back from two goals down, you would have thought.
55 min: A corner for Newcastle down the left. Cabaye curls it in. Drogba, taking his defensive cue off Luiz, crashes a hopeless clearing header off the crossbar! The ball is hacked away, and Sturridge zips clear down the right! He feeds a pass inside to send Ramires one on one with Krul, and it’s a duel the Chelsea midfielder loses, his low shot pushed past the left-hand post by the keeper. What a minute of football! This has been a fantastic game of football so far, top entertainment.
58 min: Ameobi skelps a low shot just wide left of goal. He’s been very impressive since coming on at the break. So, then, this game: the woodwork has been rattled four times, a penalty’s been missed, both keepers have made spectacular saves, and there should have been a sending off. How there’s only been one goal I’ll never know. There’s still over a third of the game to go!
59 min: Obertan finds room down the right and romps into it. He reaches the area and heads for the byline, but his low cutback flies behind all the black-and-white shirts in the centre.
60 min: A change for Chelsea: Meireles comes on for a not particularly pleased Lampard.
63 min: Lovenkrands sprays a lovely crossfield pass towards the right, attempting to release Ameobi off Terry’s shoulder. But the Chelsea captain dives to meet the ball and head it out of the Newcastle striker’s road. Superb defending.
65 min: The superlative Mata sprays a ball down the middle with a view to releasing Drogba. His pass is right on the button, but Steven Taylor positions himself brilliantly to deflect the pass back to Krul. Incidentally, Toon fans may be interested to hear that Martin O’Neill has taken over at Sunderland.
67 min: Ryan Taylor crosses from the left. Lovenkrands heads on to Ba, who looks to swivel and shoot, eight yards out. Cole bravely gets his head in the way, clearing, and taking a whack on the noggin for his troubles.
70 min: Ryan Taylor tries to play his way out from the back, and nearly sets Mata clear. Mata uncharacteristically loses the ball. A lot of misplaced passes at the moment.
71 min: A final throw of the dice for Newcastle: Sammy Ameobi comes on for Lovenkrands.
72 min: Sammy Ameobi is immediately into the action, looking to twist Ivanovic’s blood a wee bit. He’s robbed of the ball, though. Chelsea swish down the other end, through Sturridge down the right. He strokes the ball into the centre, where Mata is clear for a nanosecond in the area! Mata prods a first-time effort towards the bottom right, but it’s just wide of the post.
74 min: A high ball into the box by Obertan from the right. Ba goes up with Cech. The ball drops to Sammy Ameobi, just to the left of goal. Ameobi’s shot heads towards the net, which is unguarded by the keeper – but Terry has positioned himself on the line, and sidefoots clear. This is the game that keeps on giving. And yet only one goal!
75 min: Kalou comes on for the magnificent Mata. Villas Boas is clearly looking after his big guns with the Valencia game in mind.
77 min: Ba and Terry clash under a bouncing ball in the Chelsea area. Ba goes down, clutching his head and claiming a penalty, but although there’s some minor contact, he’s never getting that.
79 min: The final substitution of the afternoon sees the goalscorer Drogba depart, and Torres come on in his stead.
80 min: Goodness me, this game. Newcastle hit the woodwork again, Shola Ameobi unleashing a burning shot from the edge of the area, the ball heading for the top left but rising a tad too much and smashing against the crossbar and out. His brother Sammy takes up the rebound, but his shot from a tight-ish angle on the left is weak and easily snaffled by Cech, who had been beaten all ends up by the first effort.
82 min: Sturridge is set free in the area down the inside-right channel. He’s one on one with Krul, but shoots straight at the keeper, who closed the striker down well. This game should, by rights, be 2-5, or 4-3, or 5-7, or 13-13, but not 0-1.
84 min: Ba hares after a long ball down the inside-left channel. He decides to hit a volley first time as it drops over his shoulder, and slices it into the stand behind like a madman.
85 min: Sturridge is booked for kicking the ball away.
86 min: Meireles zips into acres down the inside left. He rolls the ball inside to Torres, who reaches the area and shuttles it wide right to Sturridge. Sturridge, who isn’t having the best five minutes, can’t get a shot away. He reaches the byline and can’t find a team-mate with his low cross. The ball soon comes back at Newcastle, Ramires shooting straight at Krul. Simpson is booked for a challenge early in the initial Chelsea attack, from which an advantage was played. It’s all happening, because up the other end, Guthrie takes a shot from distance, but it sails well over.
88 min: Obertan reaches the byline on the left, but with team-mates in the middle, he overcooks his cross.
89 min: GOAL!!! Newcastle United 0-2 Chelsea. Torres is released down the inside-left channel. He should score, never mind getting a shot on goal, but such is his lack of confidence, he slows up and allows himself to be crowded away from the target. In fairness, though, he retains possession, checks back, and rolls the ball right to the onrushing Kalou, who dispatches a deflected shot into the bottom left. A great game, this, and it’s just been won by Chelsea.
90 min: There will be four added minutes of this, and Newcastle will have to play them with ten men, Steven Taylor limping off injured.
90 min +1: Sturridge releases Kalou into the area, but he’s offside.
90 min +2: GOAL!!! Newcastle United 0-3 Chelsea. It’s an unfair scoreline on Newcastle, though Chelsea deserve to win. Sturridge attacks a tattered Newcastle back line, powering down the right. He cuts inside, drops a shoulder, and hits a beauty into the bottom-left corner.
90 min +3: Ryan Taylor is booked for a really poor lunge on Sturridge. That was a mean, ill-tempered and reckless scythe, and could easily have been punished with a red card.
90 min +3: John Terry is booked for unnecessary use of his marf.
FULL TIME: Newcastle United 0-3 Chelsea. And that’s it. What a wonderful game of football. A three-goal skelping is unfair on Newcastle, who could have had a couple of goals themselves, but Chelsea’s win was deserved. If you don’t consider the possible early dismissal of David Luiz to be a factor, which you may well do. Anyway, what a result for the excellent Andre Villas-Boas; another against Valencia in midweek, and things will look very different for him all of a sudden.
Premier LeagueNewcastle UnitedChelseaScott Murrayguardian.co.uk
