Today’s tittle-tattle is cruising for a bruising

The Mill was kept up all night by sirens. Not the mythological seductive scantily clad kind who try to tempt you into the nearest river for a bit of how’s-your-father, mind (The Mill’s not been that lucky since it tripped over a rabbit’s foot sticking out of a cracked paving stone and landed a £4,000 insurance claim). Nah, these were the very real, ear-splitting, somebody’s-in-trouble-Guv type that blare out at 3am WHEN THERE IS NO TRAFFIC ON THE ROAD SO WHY BOTHER? variety. But hey, you’re a Mill who came up in the wrong end of town, whaddya gonna’ do?

On the subject of sirens, Manchester City’s Italian beauty Roberto Mancini is doing a pretty good impression of one right now. The long-haired temptress is keeping cool in the heat by fanning himself with £20m outside Stamford Bridge and refusing to leave until Didier Drogba accompanies him on the Virgin Pendolino back home to Manchester.

If Drogba’s passion is stirred then expect Carlo Ancelotti to turn up at Anfield with a wheelbarrow (a very, very big one at that) of cash and start throwing it over the Shankly Gates until enough of it lands to secure the services of Liverpool’s beautiful-but-knacked Spain striker Fernando Torres. And if Drogba isn’t turned on, Mancini will increase the size of his cash fan to £35m and direct his attention towards Internazionale’s brooding striker Mario Balotelli.

And now he’s happily married, the free-agent Sol Campbell has just about plucked up the courage to tell the new Mrs Campbell that they’re going to be setting up home in Sunderland. The Mill doesn’t know how long you have to be wed before you can avoid an annulment, but expects the happy couple haven’t yet reached that mark.

Over at Old Trafford, Sir Alex Ferguson has been busy mixing messages in a huge bowl and sending them out to assorted confused tabloid hacks. The Sun simultaneously has him pushing “hard to get the cash” for the fleet-footed Werder Bremen and Germany midfielder Mezut Ozil as well as admitting that Manchester United are “comfortable with the squad we’ve got.”

West Ham are hoping to scupper Liverpool’s attempts to sign the Nice and France striker Loic Remy by upping their offer for the player from the club’s asking price of £12m to £15m. With the Merseyside club about as indebted as a randy stag would be to his best mate after finding out that he’s switched their weekend away from Amsterdam to Eastbourne, last year’s relegation-battlers could successfully gazump Liverpool and prove that football is, well, just silly these days, isn’t it?

If he finds enough grease to squeeze his avuncular frame through the Craven Cottage entrance, big Martin Jol will write David James, Robbie Keane and Stephen Ireland’s names on a piece of paper, neatly fold it and insert it into the top pocket of Mohamed Al-Fayed’s suit jacket, before patting the 77-year-old Fulham owner on the cheek passive-aggressively.

North of the border, financially-challenged Rangers want goal-shy free-agent Marlon Harewood to prove just how bad the SPL is by actually scoring real goals in the league so they can make a good case for the Old Firm joining the Premier League. While Celtic will let Aiden McGeady run all the way down the hard-shoulder of the M74 and M6 until he ends up in the arms of his former manager Martin O’Neill at Aston Villa. That is, of course, after he’s sent £10m worth of beans to Parkhead.

And finally, Joey Barton (now there’s a man who knows his sirens) reckons England is the team for him. After watching Fabio Capello’s crack selection make the Jabulani ball look like it was triangular in South Africa, the fast-food-shop bothering Newcastle United player reckons every midfielder in the country must fancy their chances of playing for England (yes, even that fat lad called Macca who plays in the Liverpool Zingari League). “Watching some of the performances at the World Cup over the summer I think that, on form, I’m as good as anybody in the country.” After looking as rusty as an oil-starved garden gate in his 15 Championship appearances last season and regularly wasting possession, the Mill would have to agree.

Transfer windowManchester CityChelseaGregg Roughleyguardian.co.uk

• ‘It’s probably the worst we’ve played on all year’
• ‘It was not good enough for a Wembley pitch’

John Terry was delighted to complete Chelsea’s first Double but he was scathing about the much-maligned Wembley surface. “The pitch ruined the final,” he said after his side’s 1-0 win against Portsmouth. “It’s probably the worst we’ve played on all year. It was not good enough for a Wembley pitch. The FA have to decide if this is a football pitch or an events stadium.”

Terry’s complaints come after Harry Redknapp, the Tottenham manager, called the Wembley surface “a disgrace” following his side’s semi-final defeat by Portsmouth last month. “For any professional team to have to play football on that is farcical,” he said.

The Chelsea manager, though, was milder in his assessment. Carlo Ancelotti said: “In the semi-final it was a different problem, with the players sliding. Now it was different. [It was still] not so good but the players didn’t slide.”

Ancelotti said Chelsea would celebrate the first League and FA Cup Double of the club’s history, sealed by Didier Drogba’s second-half free-kick, with “champagne and wine” and then claimed the side needed no additions to win next season’s Champions League.

The Italian, who saw his team hit the woodwork five times during the opening half, said: “Chelsea have never won the Champions League. It is one of our aims next season. This team has the quality to win the Champions League.”

By winning the Double in his first season the former Milan head coach managed a feat José Mourinho was unable to achieve during his three years in west London. Asked if this made him “Special” Ancelotti smiled. “I am normal,” he said. “But this was a fantastic victory. I was happy to work in a fantastic club with a fantastic atmosphere.

“We [will do] nothing special [in celebration],” he added. “I will follow my players and friends. Drink some wine and champagne. It is right to have a celebration, the team did a fantastic season.”

Despite being unfavoured, Portsmouth gave Chelsea an uncomfortable afternoon at times, and Ancelotti might have thought his luck had ceased after a series of squandered opportunities. He said: “It’s strange to hit the post five times in one half. It never happened in my career that you hit five posts in one half. It was also strange to concede a penalty. That was a key moment,” he said of Juliano Belletti’s foul on Aruna Dindane. “If Portsmouth went 1-0 up it would have been more difficult for us. [But] I was not worried. The team had control and a lot of chances to score.”

Ancelotti had praise for Drogba, who has scored six goals in competitive Wembley appearances. The manager said: “He finished the season how he started. He has scored a lot of goals and played with continuity all the year.”

Chelsea’s Michael Ballack limped off before half-time and Ancelotti said: “We don’t think it is a bad injury. He took a kick on his ankle. We hope he will make the World Cup.”

Avram Grant, his opposite number, said he was disappointed about the result, but proud of his team’s effort in what has been a trying year. He said: “This was a very difficult season. One I will not forget.”

John TerryChelseaPortsmouthFA CupJamie Jacksonguardian.co.uk

• Lampard says decision was affected by mother’s death
• Midfielder credits Claudio Ranieri for his success

Frank Lampard has acknowledged that he was “very close” to joining Internazionale in the summer of 2008, when José Mourinho took over as the Italian club’s manager. It was reported at the time that a fee had been agreed between the clubs and a contract drawn up before Lampard pulled out at the last moment, and the player told today’s Gazzetta dello Sport his decision was strongly affected by the death of his mother that April.

“Everyone knows that I was very close to Inter two years ago,” said Lampard. “An extraordinary offer. But the loss of my mother marked me, I didn’t know what to do. But at Chelsea things have gone well. I have three years left on my contract and I want to continue for as long as possible, like [Paolo] Maldini and [Ryan] Giggs.”

Mourinho’s arrival at Inter was among the reasons why Lampard gave such strong consideration to the move, and on Sunday the Portuguese needs his team to win at relegated Siena to tie up his second, and their fifth, consecutive Scudetto. Should they lose or draw, however, they can still be caught by a Roma side coached by another of Lampard’s former managers at Chelsea, Claudio Ranieri.

While Lampard had praise for both managers, he credited Ranieri as the key figure in his own career. “It makes me happy to see his Roma flying so high,” said Lampard. “Without Claudio I would probably not have got to the top. He wanted me, he convinced me with his projects, he forged me. I was a young man, a naive West Ham midfielder always throwing myself about.”

Lampard also spoke of Chelsea’s current manager, Carlo Ancelotti, describing him as “like a friend” to his players and crediting his “relaxed” approach and tactical acumen for the team’s success this year. But while such a laid-back manner worked for Chelsea, he noted, the national side had benefited from the more autocratic approach of Fabio Capello.

“He has a very strong personality, and he is very strong on discipline,” said Lampard of the England manager. “Exactly what we needed for England. We were a pride of lost lions, he put us back in line right away. Discipline in training camps is essential. Training with him is fantastic, he always asks the most out of everyone, he always sees the detail that will make the difference.”

Asked if he thought England could win the World Cup, Lampard added: “Before Capello we didn’t believe. He gave us confidence. If our best players are fit then we can beat anyone.”

Frank LampardInternazionaleEuropean footballChelseaJosé MourinhoClaudio RanieriPaolo Bandiniguardian.co.uk