Today’s guff is kicking back
The Sun reports the surprising news that reliable waddling packhorse Dirk Kuyt doesn’t really want to play for Liverpool any more and would like to be reunited with his goateed personal organ grinder Rafa Benítez at Internazionale. Kuyt’s agent Rob Jansen said: “The clubs continue to talk but Dirk has told Liverpool he no longer wants to be involved as this is something that he regards his career and life.” Which became much more interesting when The Mill imagined it being said by a moustachioed man in a belted trenchcoat with a really strong Dutch accent.
Birmingham have made a £9m bid for Wigan wing sulk Charles N’Zogbia, despite the fact the club’s parent company Birmingham International Holdings Ltd is about to collapse under the weight of its debts, which is all probably just a small misunderstanding and something to do with that nice Mr Yeung having not transferred some funds between his accounts when he meant to, or his car insurance coming up at the same time as someone’s stag weekend, and no indication whatsoever of impending Portsmouth-style financial meltdown.
West Ham will sign the Inter winger Victor Obinna today. “Av bags a Bin man,” the Sun says. His name contains the word “bin”. And bin men use bags. Therefore he is “a Bin man”; but also capable of being “bagged”, despite the fact it is usually household rubbish which is bagged and bin men that dispose of it. Inter have finally made a proper offer for Javier Mascherano. “I sent an offer to Liverpool by fax on Tuesday and am waiting for a reply from them,” sporting director Marco Branca said last night, switching on his Betamax player, firing up the Calor Gas heater and wondering if he should pop outside now to crank start his 1920s T Model Ford.
Twig-like Brazilian whiz-kid waif Neymar “will become a Chelsea player eventually” according to Pini Zahavi, who is allowed to say things like that. Pele has been campaigning for Neymar to stay at Santos. Mark Hughes is about to sign Carlos Salcido of PSV Eindhoven for Fulham, who may in turn replace Paul Konchesky, who has been linked with the revolving disappointing-Liverpool-left-back slot. Sam Allardyce wants to sign non-playing goal ace Benjani on a short-term deal just in case it’s still 2007.
In the Mirror, West Ham are after David Trezeguet of Juventus. Liverpool, West Brom, Aston Villa, Real Zaragoza and sandal-wearing, fig leaf-clad club-wielding warriors Hercules are also in the hunt. Grant also wants Spurs right-back stripling Kyle Walker on loan. And Everton and Blackburn are both after the Newcastle defender Stephen Taylor, who has all sorts of agent-related, wage-parity, Fabricio Coloccini-on-£80,000-a-week-and-I’m-still-sailing-a-third-hand-yacht-type problems. Sam Allardyce is “chasing a Swedish goal machine”. In a tractor, across the cheese fields of the remote circumpolar region, waving his butterfly net. The £2m-rated Denni Avdic has scored 17 goals in 20 games for Elfsborg this season. Blackpool are still keen on Sheffield Wednesday striker Marcus Tudgay.
In the Daily Mail Chelsea have made a £10m offer for cartwheeling, high-stepping, forward-capering Bayern Munich defensive heebie-jeebie-giver Martín Demichelis. He wants to go to Sevilla instead. Sven-Goran Eriksson is “interested” in becoming the manager of Ukraine, a nation he always supported as a boy and no let’s not talk about money just yet shall we actually let’s talk about money shall we and oh sorry look at that my hand is on your ha ha you have very beautiful nostrils. Juventus want to eventually pay £13m for on-loan midfield bystander Alberto Aquilani. Robinho and Roque Santa Cruz, neither of whom play for Manchester City any more, are both set to leave Manchester City.
And according to Goal.com Ronaldinho thinks Zlatan Ibrahimovic should join Milan. But then again Ronaldinho thought the UK should enter the ERM, Neville Chamberlain should cut a deal with that nice Führer chap, JFK should go for a nice quiet drive in Dallas with the roof down, Rodney Marsh should join Manchester City, Des Lynam would reignite his career by joining ITV and that he, Ronaldinho, would be a much better player if about three years ago he decided to eat lots of hot dogs, wear a headband, and simply caper about grinning and occasionally taking free kicks.
LiverpoolInternazionaleWigan AthleticBirmingham CityWest Ham UnitedChelseaFulhamBlackburn RoversBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk
