• Tottenham in group with holders Internazionale
• Have your say on the Champions League draw

English clubs largely had reasons to be pleased with the draw for the Champions League group stages, which took place in Monaco this afternoon. Manchester United will travel to Scotland to take on Sir Alex Ferguson’s former club Rangers with Valencia and Turkish champions Bursaspor completing Group C.

Harry Redknapp’s Tottenham, who secured their first appearance in the Champions League group stage with yesterday’s 4-0 win over Young Boys, appear to have the trickiest assignment of the Premier League sides after they were drawn in Group A alongside holders Internazionale, now managed by Rafa Benítez, Werder Bremen and Dutch side FC Twente, who Steve McClaren led to the Eredivisie title last season.

Chelsea were matched with Marseille, Spartak Moscow and Slovakian champions MSK Zilinain in Group F. Arsenal appeared to have the most straightforward assignment after drawing Shakhtar Donetsk, Braga and Partizan Belgrade in Group H.

Group A

Inter Milan

Werder Bremen

Tottenham

FC Twente

Group B

Lyon

Benfica

Schalke 04

Hapoel Tel-Aviv

Group C

Manchester United

Valencia

Rangers

Bursaspor

Group D

Barcelona

Panathinaikos

FC Copenhagen

Rubin Kazan

Group E

Bayern Munich

Roma

Basle

CFR Cluj

Group F

Chelsea

Marseille

Spartak Moscow

MSK Zilina

Group G

AC Milan

Real Mardid

Ajax

Auxerre

Group H

Arsenal

Shakhtar Donestsk

Braga

FK Partizan

First round of fixtures will be played on the 14th and 15th September 2010

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Today’s guff is kicking back

The Sun reports the surprising news that reliable waddling packhorse Dirk Kuyt doesn’t really want to play for Liverpool any more and would like to be reunited with his goateed personal organ grinder Rafa Benítez at Internazionale. Kuyt’s agent Rob Jansen said: “The clubs continue to talk but Dirk has told Liverpool he no longer wants to be involved as this is something that he regards his career and life.” Which became much more interesting when The Mill imagined it being said by a moustachioed man in a belted trenchcoat with a really strong Dutch accent.

Birmingham have made a £9m bid for Wigan wing sulk Charles N’Zogbia, despite the fact the club’s parent company Birmingham International Holdings Ltd is about to collapse under the weight of its debts, which is all probably just a small misunderstanding and something to do with that nice Mr Yeung having not transferred some funds between his accounts when he meant to, or his car insurance coming up at the same time as someone’s stag weekend, and no indication whatsoever of impending Portsmouth-style financial meltdown.

West Ham will sign the Inter winger Victor Obinna today. “Av bags a Bin man,” the Sun says. His name contains the word “bin”. And bin men use bags. Therefore he is “a Bin man”; but also capable of being “bagged”, despite the fact it is usually household rubbish which is bagged and bin men that dispose of it. Inter have finally made a proper offer for Javier Mascherano. “I sent an offer to Liverpool by fax on Tuesday and am waiting for a reply from them,” sporting director Marco Branca said last night, switching on his Betamax player, firing up the Calor Gas heater and wondering if he should pop outside now to crank start his 1920s T Model Ford.

Twig-like Brazilian whiz-kid waif Neymar “will become a Chelsea player eventually” according to Pini Zahavi, who is allowed to say things like that. Pele has been campaigning for Neymar to stay at Santos. Mark Hughes is about to sign Carlos Salcido of PSV Eindhoven for Fulham, who may in turn replace Paul Konchesky, who has been linked with the revolving disappointing-Liverpool-left-back slot. Sam Allardyce wants to sign non-playing goal ace Benjani on a short-term deal just in case it’s still 2007.

In the Mirror, West Ham are after David Trezeguet of Juventus. Liverpool, West Brom, Aston Villa, Real Zaragoza and sandal-wearing, fig leaf-clad club-wielding warriors Hercules are also in the hunt. Grant also wants Spurs right-back stripling Kyle Walker on loan. And Everton and Blackburn are both after the Newcastle defender Stephen Taylor, who has all sorts of agent-related, wage-parity, Fabricio Coloccini-on-£80,000-a-week-and-I’m-still-sailing-a-third-hand-yacht-type problems. Sam Allardyce is “chasing a Swedish goal machine”. In a tractor, across the cheese fields of the remote circumpolar region, waving his butterfly net. The £2m-rated Denni Avdic has scored 17 goals in 20 games for Elfsborg this season. Blackpool are still keen on Sheffield Wednesday striker Marcus Tudgay.

In the Daily Mail Chelsea have made a £10m offer for cartwheeling, high-stepping, forward-capering Bayern Munich defensive heebie-jeebie-giver Martín Demichelis. He wants to go to Sevilla instead. Sven-Goran Eriksson is “interested” in becoming the manager of Ukraine, a nation he always supported as a boy and no let’s not talk about money just yet shall we actually let’s talk about money shall we and oh sorry look at that my hand is on your ha ha you have very beautiful nostrils. Juventus want to eventually pay £13m for on-loan midfield bystander Alberto Aquilani. Robinho and Roque Santa Cruz, neither of whom play for Manchester City any more, are both set to leave Manchester City.

And according to Goal.com Ronaldinho thinks Zlatan Ibrahimovic should join Milan. But then again Ronaldinho thought the UK should enter the ERM, Neville Chamberlain should cut a deal with that nice Führer chap, JFK should go for a nice quiet drive in Dallas with the roof down, Rodney Marsh should join Manchester City, Des Lynam would reignite his career by joining ITV and that he, Ronaldinho, would be a much better player if about three years ago he decided to eat lots of hot dogs, wear a headband, and simply caper about grinning and occasionally taking free kicks.

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With just two weeks left of the Premier League season, it’s still all to play for at the top. Chelsea went goal crazy (again) to stay in control, but Manchester United put in a gut-wrenching performance – at least for Patrice Evra and Nani – to beat Tottenham Hotspur to stay in the hunt. James Richardson and his Football Weekly chums are hear to analyse it all.

Spurs remain favourites to finish fourth – espescially now Manchester City’s Champions League aspirations are held in the hands of the finest goalkeeper in the Faroe Islands – but Aston Vila are still in with a shout, and could Liverpool sneak into fourth after all? Real-life Scouser Gregg Roughley tells us how it is (la), and John Ashdown urges a bit of caution wihout resorting to the words ‘calm’ or ‘down’.

Rafa Honigstein brings us news from Germany, where Bayern Munich face an injury crisis ahead of the second leg of their Champions League semi-final with Lyon, and Hamburg travel to Fulham in the Europa League with a new manager and a leaky defence. Meanwhile Sid Lowe gives us the skinny on Barcelona’s plans to beat Internazionale, and Atlético Madrid’s chances of keeping Liverpoool quiet at Anfield.

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James RichardsonBen GreenRaphael HonigsteinJohn AshdownGregg RoughleySid Lowe