Today’s yada-yada has seen it all before …

Even as the Mill types this morning, football managers up and down the land are hot-stepping down to their local newsagent for a lottery ticket. Today’s EuroMillions jackpot, after all, is an estimated £90m. With tickets going for just £2 and odds of claiming the top prize standing at just 76,275,360-1 that, erm, still doesn’t represent a very wise investment. But let’s not focus on that – this is life-changing money: enough to buy two and a bit Andy Carrolls, 1,384.6 see-through gowns worn by Kate Middleton, or 4.5b used-to-be-a-penny sweets.

More to the point, you could also have yourself an infinite number of Michael Owens, since the much-loved former football player will be out of contract at Manchester United in the summer, and hence available for a big fat nothing. The Aston Villa manager, Gérard Houllier, has been having grand visions of reconstructing Liverpool’s attack circa 2003 and will be waiting with open arms the moment he becomes available.

Over at Stamford Bridge Chelsea’s extensive scouting network have been scouring literally minutes of football from all over the Champions League as they seek to meet Roman Abramovich’s demands for a new defender, and have now discovered a little known Spanish defender named Sergio Ramos – available for a piffling €35m from Real Madrid. This despite the fact he was seen making occasional tackles and generally filling that area of the pitch defenders are supposed to fill against Lyon on Wednesday. Result!

Just down the Kings Road, the Fulham manager Mark Hughes has decided that he just can’t be hacked to sell his new house and up sticks for Munich, where Bayern had been reported to be interested. Instead he will stay put and expect a big new contract for doing so. If Zoltan Gera has to be sold to Newcastle in order to raise the necessary funds, then so be it.

Still in London, Arsenal are planning a raucous end-of-season party in which they will celebrate their triumphant top four finish by having the Schalke striker Mario Gavranovic burst out of an enormous cake wearing nothing but an invoice for £7m. The club are also interested in acquiring the Charlton full-back Carl Jenkinson.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mirror casts Birmingham’s Sebastian Larsson as the pretty young victim in a footballing horror film, reporting that: “Larsson could be off to La Liga, with two Spanish clubs chasing him.” Gah, don’t run that way Seb – that’s exactly where they want you to go!

Elsewhere, Liverpool are eying up the Osasuna full-back Ignacio ‘Nacho’ Monreal. In hot loan news Swansea want Tottenham’s Danny Rose, while Portsmouth are dreaming of landing Aston Villa’s Chris Herd till the end of the season.

ChelseaReal MadridAston VillaFulhamNewcastle UnitedArsenalPaolo Bandiniguardian.co.uk

Today’s rumours heard some delightful tweeting in the bushes by Bowes Park station this morning

Today’s hearsay is brought to you in association with you. And her. And him. And them. And some whiffy beady-eyed hag in a cat-skin coat. And possibly also a jailed tyrant with time on his hands and bloody vengeance on his mind. It really is hard to know. Because in the interests of science and fashion, your ever-with-it Mill engaged last night in what hipsters are calling “crowd-sourcing” by inviting random keyboard kings and queens to tip us off to imminent transfers via the modish medium of Twitter. What could possibly go wrong? And how the hell would we know if anything went wrong? Those are cowards’ questions, readers, and now everyone is laughing at you.

@philpodosly declared that “there was something about Pedro to Arsenal … oh, and Cesc to Barcelona“. @Aslakho announced that “there’s speculation about Anthony Annan going from Rosenborg to Sevilla” while@Kitey66 droned “heard di stefano going to Wigan” and @Craig1879 jibbered “sunderland are apparently going to sign crouch, bothroyd, pavlyuchenko, fuller, tuncay, carew, n’zogbia, sessegnon, muntari” before running out of characters. If we add that @jonathangard disclosed that “Dalglish is hoping to complete a double swoop for Aldridge and Houghton … but been rebuffed by Hagi”, @MattSavage7 pointedly imagined “Winston Bogarde at West Ham“, then you can see that this experiment has been a epochal triumph. As if to accentuate that point, not one but three clued-in or wacked-out readers insisted that Robbie Keane is on the verge of a move to Kashima Antlers while dozens of helpful citizens exclusively revealed the identity of Ruud Gullit’s first capture as Terek Grozny manager, with surefire signings ranging from Emmanuel Adebayor to versatile porn starlet Sasha Climax.

Yes.

Now, let’s see how the pros did. As in the professional newshounds, not Sasha Climax & Co. Well, the Daily Mail reckons that if Benfica demand too much money for full-back David Luiz – and apparently they’ve already turned down an offer of £23m plus Paulo Ferreira – then Chelsea will switch their attention to Joleon Lescott, which some might equate to being refused entry to the Ritz so ordering a five-course meal from Starbucks instead. Chelsea, of course, were snubbed by Steven Pienaar in favour of Tottenham but that is not because Roman Abramovich has become weary of his London club and commensurately stingy but because they’re saving all their money not just for Lescott but also for Udinese’s Alexis Sánchez, who’ll be on his way to Stamford Bridge in return for £25m, according to the Sun.

The Daily Mail also claims that “Kop flop” Paul Konchesky is about to be loaned back to Fulham, while Adebayor is not off to the Chechyna but Monaco, where he will be joined by West Ham’s forgotten full-back Hérita Ilunga.

The Daily Mirror blurts that José Mourinho has “placed Premier League clubs on red alert” by hinting he may walk out on Real Madrid. “You see ghosts and films of horror and suspense in everything I say,” Mourinho told journalists who asked if grumbles about Real’s failure to provide him with a new striker proved he had fallen out with the club’s rulers. The Mirror also says that Sunderland are trying to convince Michael Owen to helicopter in to the north-east every now and again.

The Daily Star is chuntering on about Jordan.

The Daily Express reckons the striker that Sunderland really want is Hugo Rodallega, with maybe a bit of Ricardo Fuller too.

Every newspaper agrees that Luis Suárez is about to sign for Liverpool but Metro goes for the highest fee, liking the sound of £25m. Caughtoffside.com actually seems to believe that Arsène Wenger would fork out £25m for a full-back! Accordingly they foresee Arsenal duking it out with Manchester United for the services of Sergio Ramos.

Finally, several organs, including the highly respected Guardian, report that Darren Bent has been targeted by what the Sun calls “web sickos” following his move from Sunderland. Could that really be true?

Web sickos? “Watch your back sunshine,” one fool allegedly wrote. “I hope you die painfully, remember what we did for you” fumes another, seemingly baffled as to why Bent might want to leave him behind.

ChelseaPaul Doyleguardian.co.uk