Chamakh to Arsenal | Man Utd £100m car boot sale | Sterling to Liverpool

Mondays are not usually a great day for the Mill. With (Pah!) match reports clogging up the day’s papers with news of things that have (Spit!) actually happened in the (Other Generic Noise of Digust!) real world, the tittle-tattle is something of a muddy puddle rather than the vast panoramic ocean of speculation that we know and love.

Today, though, is different. Today is a red letter day, particularly for those below the line. Break out the bunting, don that celebratory waistcoat and roll a keg of beer into the street because today, at last, Marouane Chamakh has signed for Arsenal. Well, nearly. Tabloid reports reckon the Bordeaux striker is finalising a four-year deal with the Gunners, but that the deal is effectively done.

Chamakh could be joined at the Emirates by West Brom midfielder Graham Dorrans after the Gunners joined the five-way tug of war for the player. Newcastle and Sunderland each have an arm, the Gunners and Manchester City have a leg, while Celtic are putting on rubber gloves and hoping he’s had a bath.

The Daily Mail reckons Birmingham manager Alex McLeish is to send scouts to watch Kris Boyd in action for Scotland against the Czech Republic at Hampden this week. They’ll compile a report on the player and then walk back to St Andrew’s in order to earn their orienteering badge.

Liverpool have secured a deal for 15-year-old QPR wonderkid Raheem Sterling. Rangers get £500,000 plus add-ons, while Sterling and his camp get £200,000 and a contract to 2014. Rafa Benítez is also keen on Lille defender and sometime Derby County mascot Adil Rami, and Rennes full-back Rod Fanni (insert your own joke here). Pepe Reina might not be at Anfield to greet them, though – he was yesterday linked with a £20m summer move to Chelsea.

Not to be outdone in the child-signing business, Barcelona have bagged ‘the Korean Messi’, 13-year-old Park Sheng-ho. Reports that the club are close to concluding a deal for ‘the toddling Kaka’ and ‘the foetal Pele’ have so far proved to be wide of the mark (but just give it time).

Manchester United will have a £100m car boot sale in the summer. Michael Owen, Nani, Gabriel Obertan and Owen Hargreaves are all lined-up on Sir Alex Ferguson’s trestle table, along with some albums on tape, a pack of playing cards with the seven of spades missing and a Power Rangers action figure with its head chewed off.

And free agent Salomon Olembe better get on his cape and out his pants on over his trousers because he’s the man Brian Laws wants to save Burnley’s season. The former Leeds, Wigan and £8m Marseille man could even play for the Clarets reserves this evening.

Premier LeagueLiverpoolArsenalChelseaJohn Ashdownguardian.co.uk