Today’s rumours have a heavy cold

Caught in a strange place between sleep and waking, eking out a luminous, desk-bound semi-life deep within its rumour lair, and haunted daily by a jangling timpani of swoops, pleas, raids, want-away aces and sensational smouldering summer sagas, the Mill has many recurring dreams.

Like: the one where Terry Venables keeps insisting the Mill play at left-wing back in place of Steve McManaman against Spain at Euro 96, except that, looking down, the Mill’s legs have been transformed into dropping Tesco value baguettes. The one about going youth hostelling with Ray Wilkins around the Western Isles and getting into a series of minor arguments about money which always end with Ray walking on ahead in a grumpy, stiff-backed way, his backpack flapping pointedly while he mutters things like “tremendous” in a sarcastic voice. And of course the one where the Mill can feel the salty tang of John Terry’s breath on its neck, where Ashley Cole keeps flicking his exposed rump with a wet towel and a sad-looking, desperately-pleading Carlo Ancellotti keeps repeatedly brining the Mill to ground with a series of well-timed ankle tap tackles.

Yes, this is the one where Chelsea are closing in. And in this morning’s Sun it looks like coming true for at least one jinking Dutch playmaker. “Chelsea are closing in on Rafael van der Vaart,” The Sun reports. Apparently Chelsea are already talking to his “representatives” and, if the Mill’s nightly visions are any kind of guide, jabbing him slyly with toothpicks. Van der Vaart will cost £10m and Carlo Ancelotti has been “tracking” him for several months, presumably in a canvas hat and a khaki jacket from Millets with lots of flappy pockets.

Also in the Sun, Harry Redknapp doesn’t need to sign Joe Cole because he has already – and once again – made loads of brilliant signings, particularly Niko Kranjcar. “When you talk about signings of the year – Niko is right up there,” Redknapp pointed modestly. “I was the manager at Fratton Park who brought Niko over for the same money from Hajduk Split in Croatia to the Premier League,” he added, French-kissing himself in the bathroom mirror.

According to the Daily Mail, Lionel Messi earned £29.7m in the last year, even more than hobbling, peripheral minor Los Angeles personality David Beckham. Messi’s got a £3.6m bonus for winning six trophies with Barcelona. But does he know Will Smith? Wayne Rooney isn’t even in the top ten. Carlos Tevez is at number seven, which is great news for whoever owns the key to his leg-irons these days.

CSKA Moscow have denied they are about to sign Albert Riera as part of a particularly vindictive punishment by Rafa Benitez, who look a bit that way. A club statement reads: “The Army Club are surprised to learn (from media) that they are candidate for the signing of Liverpool’s Spanish midfielder Albert Riera… However, to those who are trying to bring extra interest to the player, we can give advice (it’s free!): to specify an interested party, we would say Barcelona or Manchester United. By the way, this will be more interesting to lovers of rumours.”

And Corinthians president Andres Sanches says he doesn’t want to buy ageing doe-eyed Chelsea featherweight Deco, because he already has Ronaldo and Roberto Carlos, who are also old and expensive.

In The Mirror, eager galloping horse Gary Neville is about to be given a new one-year contract by Manchester United. Fulham fancy a slice of Wigan utility odd ball Paul Scharner, who is out of contract in the summer. Stoke are also sniffing around him with their tongue lolling out.

Sam Allardyce got a text from Alex Ferguson after Blackburn’s draw with Chelsea. “I’ve had a message from Alex saying ‘well done, looks like the injuries didn’t bother you too much’,” Big Sam has said. Which, if you replace the word “injuries” with a series of gynecological synonyms is probably about right. Allardyce wants to sign Kasper Schmeichel for £1m.

Juventus will sell Gigi Buffon in the summer. “The Italian giants hope to lure Manchester City and Bayern Munich into an auction”, presumably by leaving a trail of Smarties and then lurking for hours behind a set of paneled doors. Juventus also want either Rafa Benítez or Fabio Capello to be their manager and also to sign Cesc Fábregas, which even The Mill knows will never happen.

In The Times, Kevin Kyle has rebuffed the big-money advances of Russian club Spartak Nalchik, who have presumably been on Google quite a lot. “I had to have a look at it although being in the south west of Russia would have meant time away from family,” Kyle said, still unaware of the existence of houses and schools and shops in the south west of Russia.

And on Goal.com Pat Noonan and Carey Talley, who sound like a pair of relentlessly grinning, bouffant-haired, tie-clip-sporting anchormen on a palsy daytime news show have been released by, respectively, the New England Revolution and Chivas USA.

ChelseaCesc FábregasCSKA MoscowBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk