Today’s Mill has its head in the clouds

Some years ago research carried out by unlicensed Chinese neurologists on a sample group of 5,000 men with internet access and a large comic book collection that they keep in little plastic sleeves and occasionally brood over concluded that, when most people picture The Mill, the image that springs into their mind is either:

(a) a pleasantly shuttered, Flemish-style clapboard and oak-beamed structure on a slight incline, set against a cloudless sky in fine, rolling countryside which, pushing open its heavy front door, turns out to be operated entirely by very small, frightening pig-faced men; or

(b) an overheated strobe-lit basement down a narrow hidden staircase that smells overpoweringly of meat and where the door seems to vanish as soon as it slams shut behind you and a peculiar gurgling, thrashing, chugging noise is coming from inside a studded, leather-upholstered ante-room and something is suddenly moving in the corner of your eye before, all at once, everything goes dark.

Which is strange, because in the Mill’s own mind it is a beautiful place that exists in the sky, perhaps in the first class section of a prestigious aeroplane. A place where a smiling teenage Brazilian is constantly going somewhere, perpetually excited, always linked, continually a whizz, a picture only partially clouded by the lingering stench of something that might be, and then might not be, Harry Redknapp’s distinctive gentleman’s cologne.

Which is, by coincidence, pretty much exactly what’s going on in this morning’s Daily Mirror. There’s a picture of Internacionale starlet Sandro Ranieri (which is Portuguese for “Sandra Redknapp”) preparing himself for his £6m summer move to Tottenham by reading an English dictionary.

“I need to be prepared for my new challenge in Europe,” he said, spending 20 minutes frowning over the word “aardvark”.

West Ham are planning a sensational triple swoop on Birmingham. Liam Ridgewell and Sebastian Larsson may be available on the cheap. Christian Benítez, who runs a lot and tries very hard but never scores any goals, is available for £7m.

Roma are dead serious about signing quivering Arsenal defensive diva William Gallas. Sporting director Daniele Prade attempted to “thrash out” a deal after the victory over Porto.

Harry Redknapp is frantically trying to find a club in Belgium to loan his new Zambian left-back. Emmanuel Mbola has somehow signed for Spurs even though we’re not in the transfer window. “Spurs liked me a lot but there is contract confusion with my Armenian club and my agent,” Mbola shrugged yesterday, pretty much clearing all that up then. Celtic and Rangers both want Arsenal striker “Oh” Jay Simpson, currently on loan at QPR.

In the Daily Mail delicious pigs-ear-in-mushroom-pastry-parcel dish Wellington Silva is all set to sign for Arsenal, although Fluminense want to keep the 17-year-old, who has only just got into the first team, until 2012. Wellington has agreed a £3.5m move but can’t be registered until after his 18th birthday. “We are working on a way to make it happen,” emoted leg-warmered Fluminense vice-president Alcides Antunes, dancing on top of a car.

Chelsea have opened talks with Nicolas Anelka over paying him an extra £40,000 a year until 2013. Talks The Mill imagines will be over very quickly and simply involve him muttering the word “yes”. This means they have to get rid of increasingly peripheral ageing wing-jink prodigy Joe Cole.

In The Sun David Beckham “wore the green and gold” on his return to Old Trafford. “I did it as I’m a United fan, always will be,” he said, before stopping off in Hertfordshire and Essex on his way to the airport. Portsmouth have sacked 85 staff who have nothing to do with the club going bust. Peter Storrie is still being paid £10,000-a-week.

And Sol Campbell, 49, is “chasing” an England recall, presumably very slowly in a pair of XXXL shorts, waggling his elbows about a lot before eventually falling over. “You never know. I might get a sniff if I keep on playing. Why not?” he asked, putting his hands over his ears and walking off before you can answer.

Surprisingly good American Landon Donovan will play his final game for Everton on Saturday. LA Galaxy’s manager, Bruce Arena, who either does everything in US football, or is one of several men also called “Bruce Arena” said: “Landon will be back on March 15.” Just like that. Not March the 15th. “March 15.”

And on Goal.com The Houston Dynamo have signed Francisco Navas Cobo from The Dynamo Academy. A man called James Clarkson, who presumably has both long, girly hair and horrible baggy stone-washed jeans said: “To have a successful Academy, you need talent and opportunity. In Francisco Navas Cobo, we have talent, and through Dominic Kinnear’s vision and support of the Dynamo Academy, we’ve been able to provide opportunity to Francisco and the other young men in our development system.”

Which The Mill has now written on its hand and will be repeating like a personal mantra as it attempts to struggle tearfully through the rest of the day.

Tottenham HotspurHarry RedknappRomaArsenalBirmingham CityWest Ham UnitedChelseaBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

Today’s piffle nominates young Werther here

The perennial sight of the Mill, head tilted backwards and freshly tweezered snout cocked at the jauntiest of angles in pursuit of the newest gossip – to the exclusion of everything else, be it a death in the family, a new series of Eldorado or a two-for-one offer on 44% ABV Liquid Happiness in Morrisons – might suggest a cold, emotionless entity; a punter-gatherer devoid of flesh, blood and a subscription to Time Out. But the humble, oh-so-human Mill has simple dreams, fantasies, desires. To feel the soft, tender kiss of a silky thong 24 hours a day; for society to soften its stance towards Vicks Inhaler addicts so that we no longer have to skulk around inhaling guiltily the moment every back is turned; to hear the internal monologue of Dean Windass, particularly when he is on Sky’s Soccer Saturday and struggling with such polysyllables as ‘Jeff’; and to see Andrés Iniesta, Xavi and Cesc Fábregas redefine football by playing together in the same club side.

One of those dreams moved closer when Cadena SER radio reported that Fábregas has reached a verbal agreement to rejoin Barcelona in the summer. “Several meetings have taken place and, following those meetings, Cesc told Barça that he wanted to rejoin them from next season,” sniffed the Mill’s Spanish source, Señor Scandalmonger. Obviously there is still the small matter of Arsenal agreeing a fee, not to mention Pep Guardiola accommodating all three into a workable system, but the Mill is pretty excited nonetheless.

So, it would seem, is Bordeaux’s Moroccan centre-forward Marouane Chamakh, who has apparently agreed a pre-contract with Arsenal worth £50,000 a week over five years. Chamakh will join Arsenal at precisely the moment William Gallas leaves. Gallas, aged 457,195,525,569,123,564, is emitting warm vapour from most orifices because Arsène Wenger will only offer him a new one-year contract. Gallas wants two.

Now, we’re sure the Daily Star’s Danny Fullbrook is a good bloke. Salt of the earth is Dan. An ordinary Joe. A man you can trust. A diamond. But if Dan’s exclusive today, that Dani Alves will leave Barcelona to join either Chelsea or Manchester City for £30m in the summer, comes true, we’ll happily – nay, lovingly – hang a pair of Dan’s used ones on our wall for a whole year.

In an unrelated development for which we can’t manufacture even a contrived segue, never mind a relatively smooth one, Lord Ferg’s policy of buying foetuses and geriatricos will continue when he pilfers two 15-year-olds, Valerio Verre and Filippo Cipriani, from under Roma’s nose.

The ceaselessly warm relationship between Roberto Martínez and Steve Bruce will again be in evidence in the summer when the two adorn blood-flow-restricting lycra and wrestle – three falls and a submission – on a pleasantly scented blue mat. To the victor, Cruz Azul’s Paraguayan midfielder Cristian Riveros; to the loser, an erotic frisson that dare not speak its name.

And, finally, when the Mill asked 100 punters to name a Bolton-born brainbox who is currently in the doghouse after failing to keep it in his trouser pocket, they all named Vernon Kay. Our survey says: you numpty.

Cesc FábregasArsenalBarcelonaChelseaManchester CityRob Smythguardian.co.uk